chArONIMOUS

This was what i answered Sir Joey, our recollection facilitator when he asked me why i wasn't ready to be next in line. He was of course, a bit surprised with my answer, when some of my blockmates were even answering yes.

Sir Joey has been familiar with me even though we just met today when he caught me making my hands dance while singing an action song he had just taught us before starting his lecture. He even thought that that was my favorite song and offered me a solo performance the next time we sing the song. Well, kidding aside, i did kinda have a liking for that song..or maybe its just a bad case of last song syndrome.

This year's Lasallian Recollection was about calling and heeding the call. CALL. What is a calling? Is it something that gets accumulated when you register to globe's immortal15? Is it something that gives your whole class a minus five for a quiz in a math subject? Is it something that we long or despise from someone?

I have become aware of this so-called calling thingy when I somehow got transported to St. John Bosco Parish in Makati to do some church involvement...and i was like IT'S REQUIRED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Well anyway long story to make it short never thought i'd end up loving what they do there so i am now a junior catechist in that parish and we teach children about God weeeee! Less than three. *<3

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I am scared of the future. Of how it can be so vague, of how you close your eyes at night, rekindle the day, and create a mental picture of how you want tomorrow will be when you wake up. Then you wake up and it's not what you dreamed of. I'm scared. I'm scared of how some people plan a plan that never pushes through and plan to not plan and utterly fail. Im even scared of the fact that im scared.

I am not in a ranting mode. It just makes me wonder how some people look at the future in a shallow perspective. Probably they are never aware of the fact that whatever they do now will have a bearing on their future...on their life after they have exhausted their youth and resources that are sadly...non-renewable. Am i saying this because im the only one who's paranoid? That i am not a brave soul? Or maybe because i am so unsure of what i am doing with my life now that i don't see my future in such. I'm such a hypocrite to have to say no.

"Sir tell me. What do you do when your calling rivals with your priorities? A lot of things are hell easier said than done regarding this matter. But is this bound to happen? Why do i feel so lost not doing what i love, yet feel so unsecured not focusing on what i should prioritize?"

Of course, im not a brave soul to have spoken these last two quandaries of mine. I just gave him a cunning smile, then. One that conveys "yes i am getting your point but i still am unsure so please give me time." I have been silenced but my heart was bursting with all these questions i so long to answer. Probably because i felt like i might show weakness, something people of this new and mundane world have considered a stain rather than a compliment of your being. Perhaps i was. Or perhaps I have been scared.

LASARE2 was indeed fruitful and it was fun learning new songs...especially those with actions! Wee! Not only did we get to eat for free, did i get three brownies for lunch but i got to eat a yummy ensaymanda on my way home! But more than that it made me grow in ways only my heart could now.

Thank God LASARE2 does not require a reflection paper! Whew!

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