chArONIMOUS

Since God is god and God is wise, he decided to breathe into existence two types of being – the first one he called the leader and the other he called the follower. He posed that they go forth, multiply and fill the world with their kind. And so they did. The leader took off first, and the follower simply followed…


I was still a raw 11-year old when I first tasted the glory of a school election campaign. And I was also eleven when my misfortune came in the form of defeat. Yes, I considered myself popular then since I was the campus figure but defeat met me and shook my hand…and my world gradually. I was undignified, not because I lost, but because I lost in an unjust war. I fought fair but they fought dirty. In short, I lost the election and the drive that once floundered in my veins.


Or so I thought…


A year later I again found myself standing in front of high school freshies talking my way into having my name in their vote lists. The enthusiasm hadn’t left me after all; it just sat still in my heart and waited for another knock. But fate itself was tricky enough to feed me my second defeat. That was it, I thought. I was not meant to be a leader and I will never be one. I was only meant to realize this detrimental truth sooner or later.


A child’s heart wasn’t designed to carry a mature burden such as that. It was only structured to cry over an aching tooth or a balloon that flew into the outer space. My childish heart was childishly weeping for not a childish motive. So I dropped every tiny-weensy idea of having to run again for position and I just continued to focus on my academic work. I thought that the more I get busy, the more I get to forget the throbbing pain of having to be denied twice in a row. I locked my decisions into no longer laying even a single finger at leadership organizations and stuff like that. I subconsciously made the decision to simply be the follower.


What for? I am going to be defeated anyways.


So my sophomore year was utterly peaceful that I forgot my self-pity-inducing experience the year before, and the year before that. But that was only until the near-end of the school year. Before the year officially ended, the invisible string that I thought had detached from me was AGAIN pulling me toward the path to running for the Supreme Student Organization of our school. I grabbed the opportunity.

And that was the decision that changed my perception of life, my being. I realized that in everything and everyone, there will come a time, they’ll all grow tired. I grew tired of losing, failing and being defeated. Funny, defeat it self, gave up on me that time.


…The leader lead and the follower lagged behind. He stood and simply watched the leader do things, all for the first time since the earth was as fresh as their flesh. Leader ordered, follower followed. The leader lead, the follower followed well.


All of these happened in the past years of my colorful high school life. In fact, I am no longer an officer of the highest organization of our school. However, during my reign as the vice- president I was exposed to things I never would have encountered if I had chickened out at the last minute and failed myself more than anyone else. The experience was not only about having the position but actually learning to lead properly and by heart. I used to be the follower. But I grew tired of simply following when I knew all along I could lead, with the help of course of my experiences in when I was still a follower.


I had also defied my being having been tested many a time by failures and rejections of the thing that I really aspired for. Maybe, if I had never taken the risk once more, and let myself be bogged down by the chain of letdowns I have experienced, I never would have been me -the Charo that I am today.


The leader grew tired of leading, but the follower didn’t. He instead started to initiate and asked for the cooperation of the leader. The leader asked why, so the follower said…


“It is not that a good leader is a good follower, it’s just that he knows how to be a follower so he truly understands the essence of leading and becoming a great leader.”


And I found myself saying…”Yes, I had been the follower. And now is my time to lead.”








i made this sometime ago.,can't remember..just happened to stumble to it.,





XD

Well, i do have a pocketful of sunshine. And i guess that's one thing that kept me alive.haha!This week has been a rollercoaster-ride of frivolous emotions that i thought would end the last of me!haha. Well anyway, i still am alive and is very much able to write a post about it.

Hmm, to tongue these happenings, let me start!

Throughout these troubled days of my usually not-so troubled days, i realized i was weak and strong at the same time, after all. I unveiled my own superpowers lingering just within the very essence of my being.(wow so ako naman ang wonderwoman!haha) Indeed tough times call for tougher guts, and i got 'em covered baby!haha. What i'm trying to say is that during times when we thought we'll be lost and we'll be drowned in the emptiness, we realize the worth of people and things around us, we realize who we really are, what we are made of and what we are when things that we hold on to (leech-like kapit.,haha) suddenly (but with all justification in the whole milkyway) and almost as instanly vanish (or so i thought it had). You'll never really get to the point of appreciating a person or a possession to the max if in the first place, you never felt the feeling of lossing it. And it gives us extra batteries.

Yes, much a cliche as it is, it holds truth to the very core.
But hell do you not try to intentionally lose these priceless possessions you keep, nothing on earth is ever gonna be like it.

Hmmm. So, the week before last week I attended Physics period with swollen eyes. I was darn embarassed with my appearance but i couldn't bear missing the period so i went to school anyway. That morning as i got home, i got the most unexpected news about someone superhyperultramega close to me(a relative po) that i couldn't help by cry. I cried the whole lunchbreak and not even my mom could comfort me. I felt weak for the reason that there was nothing i could do for the person i care for so much, but sulk. I endured the negative thoughts for the whole aftrnoon and continued the depression just that night. (hehe.,mmk).

Just a few days after, i noticed things getting out of hand at school and inside of me, 'till confrontations happened. I was actually aware of the fact but kept a blind eye to it. I never thought that i was already out of my bounds(or maybe i kept on convincing myself that i was still within my limits.i don't know!) So the thing i feared the most happened. I was confronted with a daredevil situation challenging my sanity.

The most important people in my life are slowly drifting away, 1 i had to let go by herself so that she'll learn, the other, i had to shoo away for my sake and his and the last one i had to give space and enough time to regain what she has lost. Haaaaay, it was doomsday, i never thought i'd exist to this day!(haha, surprisingly i can humor these things now.)

I was dying, crumbling into pieces. I couldn't concentrate on the things i had to do. I broke the cup last time, i would always catch myself staring into oblivion and contained tears were flowing out like the raging reming.{i thought?} i lost myself too. If not yet, nearly.

But as i have said, i shall be waiting for every piece i lost, patiently and time unconsciously.