chArONIMOUS

This was what i answered Sir Joey, our recollection facilitator when he asked me why i wasn't ready to be next in line. He was of course, a bit surprised with my answer, when some of my blockmates were even answering yes.

Sir Joey has been familiar with me even though we just met today when he caught me making my hands dance while singing an action song he had just taught us before starting his lecture. He even thought that that was my favorite song and offered me a solo performance the next time we sing the song. Well, kidding aside, i did kinda have a liking for that song..or maybe its just a bad case of last song syndrome.

This year's Lasallian Recollection was about calling and heeding the call. CALL. What is a calling? Is it something that gets accumulated when you register to globe's immortal15? Is it something that gives your whole class a minus five for a quiz in a math subject? Is it something that we long or despise from someone?

I have become aware of this so-called calling thingy when I somehow got transported to St. John Bosco Parish in Makati to do some church involvement...and i was like IT'S REQUIRED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Well anyway long story to make it short never thought i'd end up loving what they do there so i am now a junior catechist in that parish and we teach children about God weeeee! Less than three. *<3

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I am scared of the future. Of how it can be so vague, of how you close your eyes at night, rekindle the day, and create a mental picture of how you want tomorrow will be when you wake up. Then you wake up and it's not what you dreamed of. I'm scared. I'm scared of how some people plan a plan that never pushes through and plan to not plan and utterly fail. Im even scared of the fact that im scared.

I am not in a ranting mode. It just makes me wonder how some people look at the future in a shallow perspective. Probably they are never aware of the fact that whatever they do now will have a bearing on their future...on their life after they have exhausted their youth and resources that are sadly...non-renewable. Am i saying this because im the only one who's paranoid? That i am not a brave soul? Or maybe because i am so unsure of what i am doing with my life now that i don't see my future in such. I'm such a hypocrite to have to say no.

"Sir tell me. What do you do when your calling rivals with your priorities? A lot of things are hell easier said than done regarding this matter. But is this bound to happen? Why do i feel so lost not doing what i love, yet feel so unsecured not focusing on what i should prioritize?"

Of course, im not a brave soul to have spoken these last two quandaries of mine. I just gave him a cunning smile, then. One that conveys "yes i am getting your point but i still am unsure so please give me time." I have been silenced but my heart was bursting with all these questions i so long to answer. Probably because i felt like i might show weakness, something people of this new and mundane world have considered a stain rather than a compliment of your being. Perhaps i was. Or perhaps I have been scared.

LASARE2 was indeed fruitful and it was fun learning new songs...especially those with actions! Wee! Not only did we get to eat for free, did i get three brownies for lunch but i got to eat a yummy ensaymanda on my way home! But more than that it made me grow in ways only my heart could now.

Thank God LASARE2 does not require a reflection paper! Whew!

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Yes. I am now in my sophomore year of an academic life that makes you want to stop and think if you made the right decisions. Back when I was still an immensely immature high school senior, what i feared the most was not the big step from high school life to college life, but rather, the regrets i might face realizing that i am in the wrong college building, or better yet..in the wrong place all together.

During high school, I experienced being a stressed student leader, harassed journalist, terrible-time-managing-above-average-student, a loquacious parliamentarian, a wannabe dancer and a lot more trades a jack like me wanted to put myself into. I loved English, the written subject and the talking part to be more particular, liked math and science but did not particularly yield any interest in technology and computers. The only thing I knew about technology back then was that the latest ones are much more expensive than all the other older stuff.

Talking about future careers, I would always visualize myself standing in front of the camera, projecting, and in a stern and authoritative voice would i deliver the most up to date news for the country. Betteryet! I imagined myself in Iraq trying to risk my life for a full coverage of the on going war. Yes, i was an aspiring journalist during the best days of my naive childhood.

Adding days to my life equated to thinking more about the practicality of the life you'd hone yourself into. Dangers, injustice and basically incompatibility issues haunted me and my desire to be a journalist.

Being in this course was not actually a last recourse sort of decision...but the decision of an apprehensive and challenge-inviting being like me. I opted to try something new. Besides, it was already etched in my mind that there is much luck needed to become a journalist or even a writer.. and innate luck was something i lacked. There was this instance when i was about to finish an expert level minesweeper game and there were only two squares left and one of them was to be the bomb and as luck would have it i clicked the bomb! Well so much for that.

Computer Science indeed is miles away from journalism. And so am i from being a journalist. However, loving and liking, contrary to how sensation would've dictated, is something that can be learned. We humans are led to believe in what they call bias and bias is actually something we nourish. We dont gain bias because it is the natural course of life, but rather, it is the natural course of life to gain bias on something we prefer. Point is, CS is not hard to love and like. But it's not that easy either.

Now i wonder why i still felt the need to write a post concerning the decisions i made overtime. Maybe because i really want to give justice to comsci. Right.

Or is it because i want to convince myself that i made the right decision after all?