Scared of Being Next in Line?

Posted by charonimous
"Scared."

This was what i answered Sir Joey, our recollection facilitator when he asked me why i wasn't ready to be next in line. He was of course, a bit surprised with my answer, when some of my blockmates were even answering yes.

"What are you scared of?"

"Uuuh...The unknown future?"

Sir Joey has been familiar with me even though we just met today when he caught me making my hands dance while singing an action song he had just taught us before starting his lecture. He even thought that that was my favorite song and offered me a solo performance the next time we sing the song. Well, kidding aside, i did kinda have a liking for that song..or maybe its just a bad case of last song syndrome.

"The unknown future...Well does anybody here know what his/her future will be? No one knows right?So what are you scared of? We are practically on the same boat."

This year's Lasallian Recollection was about calling and heeding the call. CALL. What is a calling? Is it something that gets accumulated when you register to globe's immortal15? Is it something that gives your whole class a minus five for a quiz in a math subject? Is it something that we long or despise from someone?

Or is it basically something we hear...BUT NEVER LISTEN TO?

I have become aware of this so-called calling thingy when I somehow got transported to St. John Bosco Parish in Makati to do some church involvement...and i was like IT'S REQUIRED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Well anyway long story to make it short never thought i'd end up loving what they do there so i am now a junior catechist in that parish and we teach children about God weeeee! Less than three. *<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am scared of the future. Of how it can be so vague, of how you close your eyes at night, rekindle the day, and create a mental picture of how you want tomorrow will be when you wake up. Then you wake up and it's not what you dreamed of. I'm scared. I'm scared of how some people plan a plan that never pushes through and plan to not plan and utterly fail. Im even scared of the fact that im scared.

"Sir Joey, now i'm even scared of answering your question. How am i even going to look you straight in the eye and make you believe im ready when im actually not? The future is vague and playful and it can change drastically with even the smallest of actions. No one is ever going to be ready...i bet."

I am not in a ranting mode. It just makes me wonder how some people look at the future in a shallow perspective. Probably they are never aware of the fact that whatever they do now will have a bearing on their future...on their life after they have exhausted their youth and resources that are sadly...non-renewable. Am i saying this because im the only one who's paranoid? That i am not a brave soul? Or maybe because i am so unsure of what i am doing with my life now that i don't see my future in such. I'm such a hypocrite to have to say no.

"Sir tell me. What do you do when your calling rivals with your priorities? A lot of things are hell easier said than done regarding this matter. But is this bound to happen? Why do i feel so lost not doing what i love, yet feel so unsecured not focusing on what i should prioritize?"

Of course, im not a brave soul to have spoken these last two quandaries of mine. I just gave him a cunning smile, then. One that conveys "yes i am getting your point but i still am unsure so please give me time." I have been silenced but my heart was bursting with all these questions i so long to answer. Probably because i felt like i might show weakness, something people of this new and mundane world have considered a stain rather than a compliment of your being. Perhaps i was. Or perhaps I have been scared.

LASARE2 was indeed fruitful and it was fun learning new songs...especially those with actions! Wee! Not only did we get to eat for free, did i get three brownies for lunch but i got to eat a yummy ensaymanda on my way home! But more than that it made me grow in ways only my heart could now.

Thank God LASARE2 does not require a reflection paper! Whew!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So chai, are you still scared of the future?"

"Sir, di na! :D"

"I like that answer. Very good! :)"
Category: 3 comments

An Over Due College Post

Posted by charonimous
Yes. I am now in my sophomore year of an academic life that makes you want to stop and think if you made the right decisions. Back when I was still an immensely immature high school senior, what i feared the most was not the big step from high school life to college life, but rather, the regrets i might face realizing that i am in the wrong college building, or better yet..in the wrong place all together.

During high school, I experienced being a stressed student leader, harassed journalist, terrible-time-managing-above-average-student, a loquacious parliamentarian, a wannabe dancer and a lot more trades a jack like me wanted to put myself into. I loved English, the written subject and the talking part to be more particular, liked math and science but did not particularly yield any interest in technology and computers. The only thing I knew about technology back then was that the latest ones are much more expensive than all the other older stuff.

Talking about future careers, I would always visualize myself standing in front of the camera, projecting, and in a stern and authoritative voice would i deliver the most up to date news for the country. Betteryet! I imagined myself in Iraq trying to risk my life for a full coverage of the on going war. Yes, i was an aspiring journalist during the best days of my naive childhood.

But along with maturity comes wisdom that dulls life.

Adding days to my life equated to thinking more about the practicality of the life you'd hone yourself into. Dangers, injustice and basically incompatibility issues haunted me and my desire to be a journalist.

Hence, me and computer programming.

Being in this course was not actually a last recourse sort of decision...but the decision of an apprehensive and challenge-inviting being like me. I opted to try something new. Besides, it was already etched in my mind that there is much luck needed to become a journalist or even a writer.. and innate luck was something i lacked. There was this instance when i was about to finish an expert level minesweeper game and there were only two squares left and one of them was to be the bomb and as luck would have it i clicked the bomb! Well so much for that.

Computer Science indeed is miles away from journalism. And so am i from being a journalist. However, loving and liking, contrary to how sensation would've dictated, is something that can be learned. We humans are led to believe in what they call bias and bias is actually something we nourish. We dont gain bias because it is the natural course of life, but rather, it is the natural course of life to gain bias on something we prefer. Point is, CS is not hard to love and like. But it's not that easy either.

Now i wonder why i still felt the need to write a post concerning the decisions i made overtime. Maybe because i really want to give justice to comsci. Right.

Or is it because i want to convince myself that i made the right decision after all?

Category: 3 comments

Revived

Posted by charonimous
I have finally resurfaced.

I have managed to keep my fingers away from the enticing call of the keyboard and my mind away from the ranting-spree-inducing sights everywhere for an eternity of months. I have managed to ignore the passion and convince myself that the mistake i made *back in my immature years in high school when i have merely laid my fingers on the raw and itchy pens of an aspiring blogger* should flag the end of my writing career. I have managed to deliberately deny the need to write, to blog, to speak words unspoken, because i have dared to do so.

The past has narrowed my future and is terrorizing my present. How fateful.

But during the most unexpected time in my life, i have rekindled the flicker of a tiny flame i have long been ignoring. I felt the need to write. I needed to breathe. The solution: resurface.

I have to admit i have been much of a coward running away from my mistakes rather than learning from it. I have never really wanted to come face - to- face with my problems that's why all this time i kept on running and hiding. I have been a failure once, and i added more to it by not facing the facts. But it is only now that i have realized, i'm empty not being able to write. The pen has always been an extension of myself and words have always been loyal companions of mine.

I have finally resurfaced. And no matter how vague this post of mine might seem to those who dont know, i am happy they are able to read this. I am happy that i finally can say i have emptied all the burden of my soul.

I have forgiven myself. Now I am worthy to be forgiven.

Right now, all i can think about is how glad i am that i have a new post and that my first ever college post is written in a light tone, almost. I am revived. <3
Category: 3 comments

Boogers.

Posted by charonimous
Category: 0 comments

Umbra.

Posted by charonimous



Grabe. Siguro nga baliw talaga ako. laging nakatawa, nakanganga kahit walang dahilan. Madalas akong hyper, isama mo pa ang bunganga ko. And, ayon sa recent findings ko, meron akong na-unravel na talaga namang isang ambitious feat!tanan!haha

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na logical lang na malungkot o madepress ako ng walang dahilan. Bobo ko kasi ngayon ko lang nadiscover yun (waw pang-research!), ngayon na umaatake siya!haha. Masarap palang tumawa kahit na pikon na pikon ka na sa wala lang. Pero ewan ko talaga, di naman ako dadatnan kasi kakaron ko pa lang ( i-reveal ba?!). haha.

Pero dahil isa akong marangal na eintein na dinadaan lahat ng bagay sa careful reasoning na iniinfer from keen observations ang possible causes through thorough investigations and the scientific method (anu kamo?!haha).,natheorize ko na one of the following ang probable reason kung bakit ganito ako:

1. genetically mutated ako - (pero intrinsic siya, and does not manifest in the physique). yun, somewhere beyond the vastness ng angog ko siguro naghahide ang abnormality ng DNA ko. Siguro may sobra at kulang akong chromosome. Or! Baka may chromosome na sakin lang mahahanap!hahah.

2. lack of sunlight - anyway hindi naman talaga ako naniniwala na totoo ang observation ni Mr. Sumthing-whatever na lack of sunlight may cause or increase the feeling of depression. As a matter-of-fact, baka nga lalo pa akong maasar sa sunlight kasi iitim/mapapawisan ako. I'm a human faucet pa naman. Gosh, bakit di pa ko kunin ni mars ravelo as a superheroine!haysows, charonimous the human faucet. haha. Tapos unemployed na nyan mga bumberorista, ako na lang kasi ang apt for the job. bummer. wag na nga lang. (hey i thought this was about lack of sunlight!) Back to the topic, ilang siglo na rin kasing hindi umuulan dito sa Forks- este Tabaco. Extinct na nga mga toko kasi di na sila useful. Walang kwenta kasi alam na ng mga tao na uulan lang naman kinabukasan kaya sabi ni mareng toko, why bother? oh diba sosial.

3. bipolar ako - possible naman di ba?! di ko nga lang alam kung anu talaga ang exact at technical meaning ng pagiging bipolar. Di naman siguro yung may special ability na mag-adapt sa north and south pole no?allergic kasi ako sa lamig. haha. Anyway, kurniks. if ever bipolar ako, rare case ang nasakin. haha.

4. psychotic ako - haha. siguro masiyadong onti ang convulusions ng brain ko kaya nahihirapan nasiyang ihiwalay ang figment ng aking creative imagination at ng aking frivolous reality. sabi na nga ba, dapat inESPED NA ko ni mommy. Ay mama pala.

5. pagod ako - malamang! KAw ba naman magsayaw ng cotillion na may, like what? a million burads!sows! not to mention nagpapractice for a practicum na boogie (which i totally lurve, kaya no regrets here!haha) and maglakad from your house to your room na like what? walking distance!hahaha! basta, pagod na ako. mag-isip. makiramdam. charing!

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T: si charonimous 2 ang kili-kili!1,2,3! (si charonimous dalawa ang kili-kili, 1,2,3!)
C: ay bingi. hahah.
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ayun. at naubus din ang, if ever meron, mental juice ko. pero naisip ko rin, hindi naman siguro ako baliw. i mean, sabi nga ni mr. echoz-care ko, he who accepts to be insane, proves to have sanity. he who flaunts sanity, has to see a psychiatrist. hindi niya naman talaga esakto yan sinabi, inimprove ko na lang para may art. haha. basta, yun na yun. kailangan lang alam natin kung kailan ilalabas ang pagiging insane at kung kailan ito icacamaflouge sa nakangangang bibig. And at of this moment, hindi ko na alam kung anu ba talaga ang central idea na pingarerevolvevan ng post kong ito. Kung tungkol ba sa discovery ko, sa theories, sa extinction ng species, sa komiks, hay ewan!basta!hindi ko rin alam kung bakit umbra. ay alam ko pala.
haha.
intermission lang pala yung conversation ni T at C. Mga ugag yan. bow.
p.s.
"It hurts to have everything and nothing at the same time."
Category: 0 comments

When you Lose, don't lose the Lessons

Posted by charonimous
L doesn't only stand for losers.


It stands for lessons learned.


It stands for lives changed.


It stands for bonds linked.


It stands for love, in every form.


It stands for things that are left, when everything that seemed right has left.


When you Lose, don't lose the Lessons.






p.s.


What you don't know won't hurt you. But what you know you don't know aches.



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I mean WILD. XD

Posted by charonimous
When i say wild, i mean wild.
Daydreaming is like no other for me. I mean, if the daydreaming you know even has the same meaning as the daydreaming in my sorta egotistic world. First of all, I myself get wired up in figuring out why these thoughts squeeze themselves through the already complex convolusions of my brain. Second of all, i just don't get it. haha. Well anyway, here's a list of my inate aspirations and dreams *as the world tongues it* and the exacerbation of it's ultimate weirdness and wildness:
Charonimous dreams of:
1. Being an astronaut - yeah right. But i do, like every filthy child playing bare naked in the equally filthy world, dream of reaching for the farthest star. I would also like to prove to my pets that the sky isn't the limit. Just the boundary of life..or so we think. I am yet to prove you that. :)
2. Having superpowers - specifically, the power to control time. This silly dream of mine started when i was still in elementary. Funny but as i hung around with time i realized that this power is, how do i say this uhm.,powerful, as in. ahaha. However what's funnier is that i gave birth to this dream when i didn't know an answer to a stupid test item that i wanted to stop time and scan my notes. haha. *wow, cheating can bring about good stuffs as well huh, never thought of that ha!*
3. Having a superb singing voice - I'm actually not the type that causes the raging rains, just the type that does mini-concerts in the shower. I am, moreover, envious of people who have excellent singing voices. I mean, if i'm a powerbelter i can simply join singing contests and earn enough money to go to disneyland, right? However since i do not have a great singing voice, i stuck with my pseudo-luck in writing. So as of now i'm trying to earn as much by triftily budgeting pocket moneys provided by the school. haha. *curse the global financial crisis*
4. Dying - Now this may probably be the wildest of my innate dreams. I mean, people are scared of death, but i want to die! haha. Not htat i'm suicidal, i love my life andi'd be thrilled to live beyond 2012. I'm just curious of how things will be when i die. Would people cry, rejoice? I don't know. This is what boggles me. But the twist in this wish of mine is that since i have the power of time, i can simply turn back time and go back before the time of my death, and save myself!wee!
5. Being confined in the hospital - I don't eat fruits and vegetables. Is it me, or is my body simply amazing!haha! I have never, in my entire life,(except of course during birth) been confined in the hospital. I just wonder if sleeping in the hospital bed would feel different. Nothing much. hehe
6. Being the first lady - hey, i want an awful lot of shoes too!
7. Being an average student - Not that i'm bragging about my status as a student. But i believe being in the esep curriculum has built half of the reputation of mine. During the times when we teeter at the verge of exploding because of mountain steep schoolwork, esep students, *may i generalize?* just simply dream to become an average student. It actually is the gatepass to the world of more regular and less stressing stuffs to take care of.
8. Being a boy - I just wan't to try if AXE really does work. hmm.
9. Being rich - well, i'm human. haha. but i honestly am contented with my life now. hihi.
10. Blogging - wish granted.
Category: 0 comments