The human mind really is as fascinating as its mysteries. How foolish must it be to believe whatever it is that i am about to put into writing today. (at this moment i am irked with the fact that i honestly don't know where to go with the things that i'm blabbing about.,crap!) I am planning to make up silly excuses for my incapacity to maintain this cave of my disturbing perceptions 'till the thought escaped me. Darn. I have not written for long and now it seems that i am not able to write anything of substance. However, i think i have fat lots of reasonable reasons to compensate for everything else.
Blaming it on stress. On the numerous winning, losing, losing, losing, losing, and er, have i mentioned losing and yeah, losing contests. Blaming it on studies, the quizzes, long tests, reports, researches. Blaming it on the rain, sunlight, rain, sunlight and another million of that continuous cycle. Blaming it on nonbiodegradable wastes. On plastics that fermented-kefir can't degrade.Blaming it on climate change, pollution, child exploitation, dirty politics. Blaming it on Akon. On lousy singers that make it at the top of the charts. Blaming it on pornography, fhm, maxim, and other lame magazines.
Yeah. Those stuffs. And these more:
Blaming it on politicians,authors and engineers (of anomalies). Blaming it on broken dreams, frustrations, failures and dirty bedrooms. On dusty ceilings and backrooms. Blaming it on boring lives, physics problems and spag shortages. Blaming it on lost pieces. On forgotten melodies, on melancholical novels. Blaming it on TWILIGHT. On the non-existent edward cullen or carlisle, and villains that turn into goodguys when loved. Blaming it on Patricia Evangelista.
Blaming it on unrecognizable usbs. On trojan viruses. On putos worth 4php. On inspiring songs. On expiring songs. Blaming it on anti-christs. Blaming it on Barak Obama, and Bush. Blaming it on broken families, early marriages, divorce, annulment, teenage pregnancy. Blaming it on the dream fight. On pacquiao's english profficiency, de la hoya's abs.
In short. Blaming it on the whole wild and wide milky way galaxy. Blaming it on everybody and everything else, EXCEPT me.
I believe these reasons shall be enough to fool my gullible convolution-etched brain. Enough to make it believe that he's off the hook. Enough to manipulate the understanding, the intellect, the stupidity and the moronic tendency to make it succumb, enough to convince you to nod.
Nothing shall stay, is what I’d say
But goodbye, it pains in every way
And we will stand to the very day
We cry our sentiments, we cry for we may
No more “spag” on crowded beak times
No more sneaking into the wildlife
No more homey rooms to mess and clean
Or discreet laughter on clean and green
No more “Not yet ma’am!” on nosebleed-tests
Nor “1/4 please, my dearest friend”
No more “may we please go to the CR?”
To be back with chips and yummy c. bars
No more silly games on sunny days
Or jokes galore and cramming ways
No more “Yes I aced the test!”
Nor “No! I have no prep!”
High school IS a living dream
Of friends and families and loves to keep
Bonds, goodbye can never break
A test of time we all can make.
p.s.
Forgive me but here i go again being emo-ish on the fact that we are graduating. argh.
:(
Since God is god and God is wise, he decided to breathe into existence two types of being – the first one he called the leader and the other he called the follower. He posed that they go forth, multiply and fill the world with their kind. And so they did. The leader took off first, and the follower simply followed…
I was still a raw 11-year old when I first tasted the glory of a school election campaign. And I was also eleven when my misfortune came in the form of defeat. Yes, I considered myself popular then since I was the campus figure but defeat met me and shook my hand…and my world gradually. I was undignified, not because I lost, but because I lost in an unjust war. I fought fair but they fought dirty. In short, I lost the election and the drive that once floundered in my veins.
Or so I thought…
A year later I again found myself standing in front of high school freshies talking my way into having my name in their vote lists. The enthusiasm hadn’t left me after all; it just sat still in my heart and waited for another knock. But fate itself was tricky enough to feed me my second defeat. That was it, I thought. I was not meant to be a leader and I will never be one. I was only meant to realize this detrimental truth sooner or later.
A child’s heart wasn’t designed to carry a mature burden such as that. It was only structured to cry over an aching tooth or a balloon that flew into the outer space. My childish heart was childishly weeping for not a childish motive. So I dropped every tiny-weensy idea of having to run again for position and I just continued to focus on my academic work. I thought that the more I get busy, the more I get to forget the throbbing pain of having to be denied twice in a row. I locked my decisions into no longer laying even a single finger at leadership organizations and stuff like that. I subconsciously made the decision to simply be the follower.
What for? I am going to be defeated anyways.
So my sophomore year was utterly peaceful that I forgot my self-pity-inducing experience the year before, and the year before that. But that was only until the near-end of the school year. Before the year officially ended, the invisible string that I thought had detached from me was AGAIN pulling me toward the path to running for the Supreme Student Organization of our school. I grabbed the opportunity.
And that was the decision that changed my perception of life, my being. I realized that in everything and everyone, there will come a time, they’ll all grow tired. I grew tired of losing, failing and being defeated. Funny, defeat it self, gave up on me that time.
…The leader lead and the follower lagged behind. He stood and simply watched the leader do things, all for the first time since the earth was as fresh as their flesh. Leader ordered, follower followed. The leader lead, the follower followed well.
All of these happened in the past years of my colorful high school life. In fact, I am no longer an officer of the highest organization of our school. However, during my reign as the vice- president I was exposed to things I never would have encountered if I had chickened out at the last minute and failed myself more than anyone else. The experience was not only about having the position but actually learning to lead properly and by heart. I used to be the follower. But I grew tired of simply following when I knew all along I could lead, with the help of course of my experiences in when I was still a follower.
I had also defied my being having been tested many a time by failures and rejections of the thing that I really aspired for. Maybe, if I had never taken the risk once more, and let myself be bogged down by the chain of letdowns I have experienced, I never would have been me -the Charo that I am today.
The leader grew tired of leading, but the follower didn’t. He instead started to initiate and asked for the cooperation of the leader. The leader asked why, so the follower said…
“It is not that a good leader is a good follower, it’s just that he knows how to be a follower so he truly understands the essence of leading and becoming a great leader.”
And I found myself saying…”Yes, I had been the follower. And now is my time to lead.”
i made this sometime ago.,can't remember..just happened to stumble to it.,
XD
Hmm, to tongue these happenings, let me start!
Throughout these troubled days of my usually not-so troubled days, i realized i was weak and strong at the same time, after all. I unveiled my own superpowers lingering just within the very essence of my being.(wow so ako naman ang wonderwoman!haha) Indeed tough times call for tougher guts, and i got 'em covered baby!haha. What i'm trying to say is that during times when we thought we'll be lost and we'll be drowned in the emptiness, we realize the worth of people and things around us, we realize who we really are, what we are made of and what we are when things that we hold on to (leech-like kapit.,haha) suddenly (but with all justification in the whole milkyway) and almost as instanly vanish (or so i thought it had). You'll never really get to the point of appreciating a person or a possession to the max if in the first place, you never felt the feeling of lossing it. And it gives us extra batteries.
Yes, much a cliche as it is, it holds truth to the very core.
But hell do you not try to intentionally lose these priceless possessions you keep, nothing on earth is ever gonna be like it.
Hmmm. So, the week before last week I attended Physics period with swollen eyes. I was darn embarassed with my appearance but i couldn't bear missing the period so i went to school anyway. That morning as i got home, i got the most unexpected news about someone superhyperultramega close to me(a relative po) that i couldn't help by cry. I cried the whole lunchbreak and not even my mom could comfort me. I felt weak for the reason that there was nothing i could do for the person i care for so much, but sulk. I endured the negative thoughts for the whole aftrnoon and continued the depression just that night. (hehe.,mmk).
Just a few days after, i noticed things getting out of hand at school and inside of me, 'till confrontations happened. I was actually aware of the fact but kept a blind eye to it. I never thought that i was already out of my bounds(or maybe i kept on convincing myself that i was still within my limits.i don't know!) So the thing i feared the most happened. I was confronted with a daredevil situation challenging my sanity.
The most important people in my life are slowly drifting away, 1 i had to let go by herself so that she'll learn, the other, i had to shoo away for my sake and his and the last one i had to give space and enough time to regain what she has lost. Haaaaay, it was doomsday, i never thought i'd exist to this day!(haha, surprisingly i can humor these things now.)
I was dying, crumbling into pieces. I couldn't concentrate on the things i had to do. I broke the cup last time, i would always catch myself staring into oblivion and contained tears were flowing out like the raging reming.{i thought?} i lost myself too. If not yet, nearly.
But as i have said, i shall be waiting for every piece i lost, patiently and time unconsciously.
I gave a cunning smile as I kissed my mom goodbye and tapped my brother’s back. A scent that rarely surrounds our abode lingered as the two packed their stuff. A silent glee formed in my heart for finally, independence spelled its way into my vocabulary.
In the entire 15 years of my living, never have I been left alone at home for days. So when my mom told me that she would be accompanying my brother at Manila for his first days as a college student, I felt a surge of excitement and anticipation. Ok, so I was also quite worried but it was like I was being officially labeled as a teen, which, I thought was totally awesome. So after making sure that I had everything I needed just within my reach, my mom, together with my brother left, giving the rest of the week of independence for me to indulge in.
I was actually envisioning a week of relaxation, fun, independence of course, and lesser stress. I was thinking that it is only me for myself, so there would be fewer worries. I can cook and eat whatever food I want, watch my favorite shows on TV non-stop, or surf the net unlimitedly. I can take a bath whenever a want, or I may not even take a bath! No one would know, for it is me for myself and only I would be the witness to my actions. A week of fun! Of independence sweeter than the first waving of the flag of the Philippines!
Or so I thought.
As the days passed, the experience was becoming...er...tormenting. It was kind of hard to admit at first because I was so excited to take on this challenge of independence and now, the only challenge I had to face was to force my mom to go home earlier than scheduled. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life. All the exact opposite of my visions happened. I was starting to have more stress because I had to do everything; I mean everything around the house. I had to clean, wash the dishes, sweep the floor, and while juggling around homework, review for quizzes and projects! It was a circus of mayhem!
God really is wise in making me realize these stuffs. There was more to independence than freedom. It spells freedom with its twin brother, responsibility. I was so thrilled to be labeled a teen that in the process I acted so childish looking at independence that way. I was too excited to grow up that I never realized that I was missing out on the greatest part of it, the journey itself.
And as I am writing this, my mom is again at Manila with my brother. And when she gets back, I’ll give her a cunning smile, a kiss in the cheek, a warm hug and again, a scent that have always surrounded our humble home will linger.
We (physics quizzers) had our first review today for the up coming sci-math competition and as usual, after a day's effort to add physics-induced convolutions to our brains, we decided to take on an epic journey and undertake the greatest challenge in the history of mankind - having walkathons via Jamaica mansions!(psycho sounds!) I know Jamaica sounds sooo chic and classy and everything but i tell you, behind those tiled walls lies a not so secret garden discovered only by those keen enough to see beyond the world of the civilized!!And today, we were lucky enough to have been called to fulfill the destiny. BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Anyhow, this may sound like an ordinary thing for almost everyone, but for me, it's one heck of a funfilled journey!First of all, (and duh) i live right next to the school campus thus i RARELY get the chance to attend walkathons and stuff like this. Second of all, i have never been to the not-so-secret garden beyond Jamaica Mansions, which by the way is just stones throw away from our house, and lastly, we have a "saba" session after the walkathon so i'ts gonna be totally lame if i won't be able to come.Totally. Haha. And besides, seniors na kami, make the best of our time beybeh!
Soooo, after almost a full hour of teasing me to death, (and mind you, it was me against 9 of them.,grabe!) we proceeded to the walkathons. Present were: Charonimous, jam, ivz, janowtz, ana(josa), jodie, sal, noel, phrem, pongz. I was quite overwhelmed first with the thought of walking to centro, haha, and mind you, via jamaica mansions!wahaha! Behind it's sosy walls, was a green paradise. But i was darn scared when we first had to jump off a mini-cliff. hehe. That was level one of the adventure. The fact that i am afraid of heights(and i mean it!) hindered me a lot, but duh.,i wouldn't want to lose a fight that has just begun, so i gathered the courage all my heart could sum up and jumped off!Voila!Iiiiiii'm stiiill aliiiiive!!wahaha!
Then caressing the fields, crossing rivers, hiking in the slippery mud followed. Though we all went out of the garden and into the civilization with muddy skirts and brownie-ish shoes, we also came out with pure happiness etched in our cute faces.haha. Certainly no one would have expected a magical garden to be there,behind the continuous and abrupt changes in the society that seem to have blown away completely the true meaning of happiness.
Anyway, it's getting late and all of that adventure sucked all of my energy, but reloaded me with happiness. Weeeeee!
And oh, one more thing, this was also a secret adventure. So don't tell my mom!(she doesn't know!*wink*)
p.s.
Happiness is greener over there.
We all know what happiness is. And i'll bet my life in saying, everyone wants happiness. I mean, who doesn' t want to be happy? But it's such a downer to know that people want happiness but many choose to take the wrong way to it.
People often move heaven and earth just to find happiness, not knowing that happiness is the journey itself! I mean, human beings are funny. They try every means to find happiness. They take drugs just to know the experience of being high. They take in these dangerous drugs just to travel in the world of euphoric deeds. Then after the happiness, the feeling of high, the visit to the world of nirvana, comes the dead end of the joyride. Health compensates for whatever these drugs gave them. Now they are to say happiness is only temporary. See the thinking of these people?
Others, however, choose the less damaging but equally pathetic path to tracing happiness. The companionship of material and such mundane things engulf them. Today this is in, so they need to have that thing to be in! "I need a cellphone to be happy, an i-pod, mp3," whatever. The world isn't about these things, much more is happiness. haaay. People, happiness is a feeling, a choice, it doesn't come from things around you, but within you.
Humans, have really funny way of defining and describing happines. Have you felt it? Have you seen it? Have you come face to face with it? Have you kissed its beauty?
I have.
Wait a minute. This is supposed to be a HAPPY post. ok Refresh!!!hehe. But anyhow, i needed to show you how pathetic and frivolous people (like me) can be in their desperate search for happiness. Now for the happy part. drum roll please......
Happiness, as i've said earlier, is a personal and conscious choice. It is your choice to be happy or to mourn for the silliest thing on earth. It's up to you if you want to smile at beggars or grumble about their shady state in life. See what i mean? You are what you radiate. As for me, i do not need drugs, nor any material thing to be happy. Ok so maybe there are several material things that paint a smile on my face, but still, you can't erase the fact that my happiness can be achieved through even the most stupid thing in my everyday life.
A simple joke, a friend, a gesture, a wink, a smile can make a magnitude of 10000000000000 millionents (such exists?) of happiness can ooz my personality.haha!i remember my mom saying, "pasalamat ka mababaw ang kaligayahan natin, hindi malalim!"
such a simple statement, such an overflowing thought of truth.
I am happy. I got together with my friends again. I have just eaten my favorite chocolate. I wrote a sensible and happy entry.
What more could i ask for??
*happiness*
p.s.
"Smile, someone needs that today!":)


