chArONIMOUS

Sometimes i cant help but wonder whether or not i am where im supposed to be. Looking back, nothing fits perfectly in the vision i had of me of the future. I reminisce how i have been in the past years - stressfully happy for the things i love doing. Writing, for the most part. It pains me to remember the fact that me being an official writer is nothing but a mere memory, an illusion i might sometimes mistake for, if not for these old school papers that i keep where i shall be able to glance at it everyday. I am bitter, i should say, that the language i am teaching myself to understand and live with is light years away from the language which i used ever so often back then. I can no longer be what i wanted to be when i was still naive of the world yet so full of zest for life. Will i ever be the same? Or was i even the same in the first place? Was it my mere dreaming that's confusing me of what i really was? Im starting to hate being awake as another day unfolds and suffer early morning contemplations that more often than not, speak of the truth that i so deliberately hide from myself every single day of my monotonous life. I am not ranting, im not asking for more, im not even trying to prove a point long forgotten into oblivion. Im plainly sad. Sad at not being able to do something that i have long convinced my self was a part of who i was*am?*. Something which i believed to define me as a human being among the other billions of billions ofr atom-comprised beings who like me like to ponder on things and depress themselves. I wish i could turn back time. I wish i had someone right here with me to lend a shoulder. But no one is, im alone and its dark and the only face i see is one that i have been so familiar with yet i havent got a clue to how her mind really works or what her heart says or why even so. She looks me straight in the eye, and just as i always do, i flash her a fake smile ive perfected so long ago.

I have finally resurfaced.

I have managed to keep my fingers away from the enticing call of the keyboard and my mind away from the ranting-spree-inducing sights everywhere for an eternity of months. I have managed to ignore the passion and convince myself that the mistake i made *back in my immature years in high school when i have merely laid my fingers on the raw and itchy pens of an aspiring blogger* should flag the end of my writing career. I have managed to deliberately deny the need to write, to blog, to speak words unspoken, because i have dared to do so.

The past has narrowed my future and is terrorizing my present. How fateful.

But during the most unexpected time in my life, i have rekindled the flicker of a tiny flame i have long been ignoring. I felt the need to write. I needed to breathe. The solution: resurface.

I have to admit i have been much of a coward running away from my mistakes rather than learning from it. I have never really wanted to come face - to- face with my problems that's why all this time i kept on running and hiding. I have been a failure once, and i added more to it by not facing the facts. But it is only now that i have realized, i'm empty not being able to write. The pen has always been an extension of myself and words have always been loyal companions of mine.

I have finally resurfaced. And no matter how vague this post of mine might seem to those who dont know, i am happy they are able to read this. I am happy that i finally can say i have emptied all the burden of my soul.


Right now, all i can think about is how glad i am that i have a new post and that my first ever college post is written in a light tone, almost. I am revived. <3

Grabe. Siguro nga baliw talaga ako. laging nakatawa, nakanganga kahit walang dahilan. Madalas akong hyper, isama mo pa ang bunganga ko. And, ayon sa recent findings ko, meron akong na-unravel na talaga namang isang ambitious feat!tanan!haha

Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na logical lang na malungkot o madepress ako ng walang dahilan. Bobo ko kasi ngayon ko lang nadiscover yun (waw pang-research!), ngayon na umaatake siya!haha. Masarap palang tumawa kahit na pikon na pikon ka na sa wala lang. Pero ewan ko talaga, di naman ako dadatnan kasi kakaron ko pa lang ( i-reveal ba?!). haha.

Pero dahil isa akong marangal na eintein na dinadaan lahat ng bagay sa careful reasoning na iniinfer from keen observations ang possible causes through thorough investigations and the scientific method (anu kamo?!haha).,natheorize ko na one of the following ang probable reason kung bakit ganito ako:

1. genetically mutated ako - (pero intrinsic siya, and does not manifest in the physique). yun, somewhere beyond the vastness ng angog ko siguro naghahide ang abnormality ng DNA ko. Siguro may sobra at kulang akong chromosome. Or! Baka may chromosome na sakin lang mahahanap!hahah.

2. lack of sunlight - anyway hindi naman talaga ako naniniwala na totoo ang observation ni Mr. Sumthing-whatever na lack of sunlight may cause or increase the feeling of depression. As a matter-of-fact, baka nga lalo pa akong maasar sa sunlight kasi iitim/mapapawisan ako. I'm a human faucet pa naman. Gosh, bakit di pa ko kunin ni mars ravelo as a superheroine!haysows, charonimous the human faucet. haha. Tapos unemployed na nyan mga bumberorista, ako na lang kasi ang apt for the job. bummer. wag na nga lang. (hey i thought this was about lack of sunlight!) Back to the topic, ilang siglo na rin kasing hindi umuulan dito sa Forks- este Tabaco. Extinct na nga mga toko kasi di na sila useful. Walang kwenta kasi alam na ng mga tao na uulan lang naman kinabukasan kaya sabi ni mareng toko, why bother? oh diba sosial.

3. bipolar ako - possible naman di ba?! di ko nga lang alam kung anu talaga ang exact at technical meaning ng pagiging bipolar. Di naman siguro yung may special ability na mag-adapt sa north and south pole no?allergic kasi ako sa lamig. haha. Anyway, kurniks. if ever bipolar ako, rare case ang nasakin. haha.

4. psychotic ako - haha. siguro masiyadong onti ang convulusions ng brain ko kaya nahihirapan nasiyang ihiwalay ang figment ng aking creative imagination at ng aking frivolous reality. sabi na nga ba, dapat inESPED NA ko ni mommy. Ay mama pala.

5. pagod ako - malamang! KAw ba naman magsayaw ng cotillion na may, like what? a million burads!sows! not to mention nagpapractice for a practicum na boogie (which i totally lurve, kaya no regrets here!haha) and maglakad from your house to your room na like what? walking distance!hahaha! basta, pagod na ako. mag-isip. makiramdam. charing!