Why I don't listen during INTROSE

Posted by charonimous
Intro:

My laptop says that it is exactly 10:24 am. My prof is blabbing about multiple requirements while the rest of the class( and this includes me) fails ever so epically in pretending to listen to his lecture. It been a while since ive had my dose of tongue-ing my mind and right now, i feel like doing so.

Where i start to think:

The complexity of human emotions astound me...or to be exact...it is still giving me my fair share of astonishment. Has it ever entered your mind how emotions are formed? How they can change? How subjective they can be? How you can actually manipulate it, fake it, mask it and more over...deny it? How do things around you affect your emotions? Or how do your emotions affect what YOU DO and HOW you see things?

Then his fingers snapped and brought me back to reality.

Where do i draw the line between what i want and need, and what i need but not so want anymore? I'm starting to realize that this post is being invaded by a multitude of questions rather than the actual clarifications i wish would soon slap me in the face. I'm having this liking lately of sleeping during the wee hours of the morning for the solemnity of the silence and the tranquility of knowing everyone is there but do not care a thing about you for now is actually a comfort. It stretches the horizon ahead of me, gives me space to think...too much space and too much thinking sometimes.

Last night till a little early today, it was a bit different. It was almost 2am, but i was too absorbed with a fun conversation and an academic paper that so victoriously took my mind away from the mundane things that preoccupy my it. The space was far beyond, laid in front of me, but it was empty, no words, no questions, none. It was nonetheless liberating and light :> However, everything eventually comes to an end, an end more often than not unwanted by the parties, by the weaker one at least. I put down my phone, closed my laptop and all of these thoughts suddenly burst out of my now bulky mind.

Where i start to rationalize:

Forgive my vague thoughts, aspirations, random questions, misplaced rants and unstable views. One can never attain an ever stable emotional state in life. Those who are able to do so have never risked anything, have never shared a part of them to others, have never been able to acquire others because of that, have never felt pain...but have never loved as well. And that is a sad thing. The complexity of human emotions was never meant to be understood, for emotions were in the first place meant to be felt. The farthest we can reach to understanding from where we obtain our human emotions is the fact that it indeed is complex...Why? Feel it:)

Where i wish to end:

It just turned exactly 10:49am...i am happy, sad, bothered, excited and all the other possible emotions i am able to generate. I am inspired, expired, exhilarated, bored. This proves im human.

Where i actually end:

A finger snapped and I looked up to the reality i am living in right now. For this i am happy, I've grown tired of looking at the station's filthy tiled floor:)
Category: 2 comments

Of Songs and Blind People

Posted by charonimous
Whenever we teeter at the brink of seeming emo-ness or plain music craving, we humans have this certain song, or at least a certain feel of a song we particularly yearn for. Whether it be a mushy love song, a corny comic song or an up beat one, we just know our spirits just won't get settled unless we get to march with its melody.

Within two days, i have played Super Junior's No Other 61 times, watching the mv excluded. Probably some would tell me, do you even understand the lyrics? I probably don't, verbatimly. But the song has this particular effect on me. The one that makes me lighten up, paint an upward curve on my hesitant lips and see the brighter side of things. It's like you could feel the sincerity, you could feel that indeed for them there is no other to whom they could compare the one they love. I remember just yesterday i told a friend of mine who commented that my FB status was so deep that he has to be "in it" to get it. And indeed, no other makes you feel as if you are the one being serenaded. I'm not "fangirling" here. It's just that songs, in general make people...genuine people. It has this power to rip man off of his cloak of pretensions.

On a bigger picture, songs are probably one of God's greatest gift that man has came to know. Songs, no matter how grand or simple, how famous or how personal, in fact is a one-size-fits-all trade. It doesn't discriminate like each of us does, it doesn't judge, doesn't look at who should be and should be not. It simply welcomes everyone brave enough to sing its notes, regardless of the tune which humans so often strain into getting right not knowing that melodies are useless without the heart that conveys its sincerity.

A lot of things can be said on the veracity of the human heart. Is being a human enough criteria to have a human heart? And how human can a human be?

Songs are just like humans, i must say. We tend to be deceiving, just like how titles can very well mislead you. We tend to be emotional, comical, mellow, hyper, romantic and a lot more million states we get ourselves into. A single song cannot encompass the vastness of all the possible emotions the human heart and mind is capable of, however in an ironical note, a single song can encapsulate the sentiments of an incapable heart. This happens when a certain song so freakishly fits in into our current situation that we even call it the theme song of our life, for now, at least. We also tend to look for certain voices that we feel can fit our mood, melody, tune, timbre and all but in the end, we never realize that it is not us who gets to choose who shall sing our melodies, but rahter the singer itself. All we can do is sit back and wait for them to get in the mood and feel the silent beats of our hearts that shall soon have a duet.

Sometimes, too, we feel so alone, just like how a dusty cassette tape must've been feeling right now. We feel so left out, forgotten, and this is when we start to reminisce moments of nostalgic immersions. We start to border on some imaginary line that divide us from the word. But we'll just get this surprise of a revival. Just when we think life has given up on us, someone unexpected comes, and gives us hope...revives our music and sings our melody in a whole new arrangement.

Isn't it amazing how God has been able to make everything an implicit part of each other, if not an utter clone? Indeed it is. But now is still not the time when humanity will finally realize the beauty of things just before our very eyes.

I started with songs but ended in man's blindness on the world's true beauty. But don't you worry dear reader and self, everything is an implicit part of each other. So in a sense, your intro still fits with your conclusion.

Fear not of those make believe writing constraints. :)
Category: 4 comments

The Yesterday I Never Wanted To Be

Posted by charonimous
Via theory of relativity, everything that happened approximately 24 hours ago shall be referred to as past, yesterday or simply something we can easily dismiss, relative to this present time. Everything that constituted that day, namely, events, people, activities, food and all the tangibles and intangibles vanish all together and turn into a part of a word creatively coined by fickle-minded human beings - and that is - memories. This day, i have started to get irritated by the word, by the feeling it delivers, by its mere existence. Why so?

Well, a memory is something com-sci students like me take as a cliche. An everyday word whose meaning we have to know by heart like basically knowing how to breathe; for not knowing so leads to being called a hardcore noob. Our concept of a memory is some kind of a physical storage for data in all its possible forms and/or for running certain apps or thingamabobs. But leaving behind the technicalities of worldly pre-occupations, a memory is simply a recall for man. It is a personal storage of everything and anything we experience, feel. It is personal in the sense that it varies from person to person no matter how identical the moment or the experience might be for that two persons.

Then why do i hate memories? I hate how subjective they can be, how they can speak of unproven truths and of made-credible lies. So okay, hating memories is something rather pointless. I know. But how come memories can never be proven? How can something as precious as memories be constantly subjected to change within the premises of a wishful mind? Can it not be stored in some kind of database wherein everything can be preserved as it is? Apparently no. And we are so far away from doing that...if humanity as a whole even sees the need for it.

WELL ANYWAYS! :))

I'm just in the mood to rant about something. I just didn't want yesterday to end that's why. Well i could've said it directly but then the purpose of a blog would be defeated. haha. And i'd be sad if that be the case. My yesterday was something i never wanted to turn into a yesterday in the first place. That's why im blabbing about memories and stuff. Yesterday, i really had fun all throughout the day...Knight and Day :"> Haha. So im starting to get hazy in writing.

Im going to enumerate why yesterday should never have ended but it ended nonetheless so im just going to enumerate why it is one of the best yesterdays to date:

1. My friend Thomas, who is vying for CCS' Achiever Scholar, had really good voting results so all of our sweat and embarrassing harassments to fellow lasallian students paid off,

2. The FORMDEV training I and my other friends are attending to become facilitators turned into a really interesting and spiritually nourishing session. We even extended for almost an hour for it. :)

3. And i got to watch knight and day! :) :">

4. I got to eat hugs and kisses ice cream which issss really good by the waaaay! I missed eating this kind of ice creamm, and by this kind i mean an ice cream which is not named Animo Cup. I can still imagine the kisses at the top, with the cherry which i didn't eat, haha, with the cream i know he doesn't eat, with the chocolate syrup at the bottom...*drools* it was just fantastic...not to mention...:">

Well that's about it:)

But realizing another day is bound to come, making the yesterday i so loved turn into a more distant memory is really irritating. Haha. I bet he doesnt really care bout it, but i do. Howell! Time flies and even if you stop counting it...it still wont. You can never win against time so just befriend it. :))


Category: 3 comments

12:30's make me emo. A random post impulsive post.

Posted by charonimous
Sometimes i cant help but wonder whether or not i am where im supposed to be. Looking back, nothing fits perfectly in the vision i had of me of the future. I reminisce how i have been in the past years - stressfully happy for the things i love doing. Writing, for the most part. It pains me to remember the fact that me being an official writer is nothing but a mere memory, an illusion i might sometimes mistake for, if not for these old school papers that i keep where i shall be able to glance at it everyday. I am bitter, i should say, that the language i am teaching myself to understand and live with is light years away from the language which i used ever so often back then. I can no longer be what i wanted to be when i was still naive of the world yet so full of zest for life. Will i ever be the same? Or was i even the same in the first place? Was it my mere dreaming that's confusing me of what i really was? Im starting to hate being awake as another day unfolds and suffer early morning contemplations that more often than not, speak of the truth that i so deliberately hide from myself every single day of my monotonous life. I am not ranting, im not asking for more, im not even trying to prove a point long forgotten into oblivion. Im plainly sad. Sad at not being able to do something that i have long convinced my self was a part of who i was*am?*. Something which i believed to define me as a human being among the other billions of billions ofr atom-comprised beings who like me like to ponder on things and depress themselves. I wish i could turn back time. I wish i had someone right here with me to lend a shoulder. But no one is, im alone and its dark and the only face i see is one that i have been so familiar with yet i havent got a clue to how her mind really works or what her heart says or why even so. She looks me straight in the eye, and just as i always do, i flash her a fake smile ive perfected so long ago.

- forgive me for the typos, grammatical errors and the like. product only of a surge of emotions.



I feeeel empty. So emo. I hate it.
Category: 4 comments

Car Rears!

Posted by charonimous
Okay. so my title has both nothing and everything to do with my recent blab.

Just this morning, i was forced to get out of bed, with my eyelids still failing to divorce, and once again meet the early morning rush head on. Today is of course not a school day but i still absent-mindedly asked manong driver to give me a student discount.

"Bayad po...makisuyo. Salamat po. LRT po yan..ESTUDYANTE!"

yesssssss...there was a lot of emphasis on the "Estudyante" part. Don't blame me! For two straight days i have been riding the same jeepney with the same manong driver who by any twist of luck doesn't know what the so-called discount for hard-working-freaking-students is. He would take 9php as my fare when it should only have been 7php. Now you would tell me why on earth wont i give to the more needy driver a meager 2php? I would like to answer you but that would be off topic my recent blab. Maybe some other post, that is if i remember.

Now upon hearing my conviction-filled muttering of "Estudyante," manong was like...

"Miss,Sabado ngayon. Lunes hanggang Biyernes lang may discount ang mga estudyante."

He then flashed a smile that looked so scriptedly-irritating, just like how the man who said he uses clear in the commercial did it. Goodness gracious naman manong where is justice? Well i could've exploded but i was too lazy for it so i let out a lazy...

"Okaaaay.*ikaw na saulo pagkakasunod-sunod ng araw sa buong linggo!*"

Still uncontented with his easy victory over a soupy-student-discount-asking student, he had the nerve to look me straight in the eye and in another irritating smiley face asked me where i have gotten on. I was like manong where is peace?! However, as usual im just a little puppy hiding in the shadows of a big monster so i was like...

"Katipunan po."

I bet manong was too fond of himself he'll buy his jeep a new interior. Well, he should.

So where did i have to go to suffer this unfateful circumstance?

For our Personal Effectiveness Two (Persef2) subject, we were required to attend this seminar on Career Opportunities in the Corporate world. Rummaging my way into the jungle of the LRT in a business wear was the top of my concerns but what suddenly skyrocketed to defeat this was the fact that i have always been questioning myself whether i belong to cs or not and here i am attending a career talk on something i am unsure of!!! Gaaaah.

My being unsure of CS has long been an issue between me and myself. Today i have come to realize, i'd win and lose both ways so i'd rather stick to where i am now and just try to make the most out of this. Yes, i am unsure of CS, but that doesn't mean i don't love it. I just can't see myself a couple of years from now...so i have fears. But i never really thought that it might just be the other way around. I'm not seeing myself several years from now because i have fears! I know i just have to let go of fear, to not let it drown me into oblivion.

Now that being resolved, I promise to never doubt my love for cs ever again! I love cs!!! :)))

Truth be told, this should've been filled with my rants and uncertainties regarding my current state. But it suddenly dawned upon me that i must not make a sad thing sadder by thinking of the saddest things. Funny but true, whenever we feel bad, we humans tend to make matters worse by refueling the fire of gloom within us. This does not even in the slightest of ways help, hence, we should as much as possible try to avoid that.

Sooo yeah. Positivity positivity. I'm suddenly cutting this post short. Still have some hw's to do, quizzes to study for, and a life to manage. :))

Positivity positivity =))

Category: 2 comments

Scared of Being Next in Line?

Posted by charonimous
"Scared."

This was what i answered Sir Joey, our recollection facilitator when he asked me why i wasn't ready to be next in line. He was of course, a bit surprised with my answer, when some of my blockmates were even answering yes.

"What are you scared of?"

"Uuuh...The unknown future?"

Sir Joey has been familiar with me even though we just met today when he caught me making my hands dance while singing an action song he had just taught us before starting his lecture. He even thought that that was my favorite song and offered me a solo performance the next time we sing the song. Well, kidding aside, i did kinda have a liking for that song..or maybe its just a bad case of last song syndrome.

"The unknown future...Well does anybody here know what his/her future will be? No one knows right?So what are you scared of? We are practically on the same boat."

This year's Lasallian Recollection was about calling and heeding the call. CALL. What is a calling? Is it something that gets accumulated when you register to globe's immortal15? Is it something that gives your whole class a minus five for a quiz in a math subject? Is it something that we long or despise from someone?

Or is it basically something we hear...BUT NEVER LISTEN TO?

I have become aware of this so-called calling thingy when I somehow got transported to St. John Bosco Parish in Makati to do some church involvement...and i was like IT'S REQUIRED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Well anyway long story to make it short never thought i'd end up loving what they do there so i am now a junior catechist in that parish and we teach children about God weeeee! Less than three. *<3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am scared of the future. Of how it can be so vague, of how you close your eyes at night, rekindle the day, and create a mental picture of how you want tomorrow will be when you wake up. Then you wake up and it's not what you dreamed of. I'm scared. I'm scared of how some people plan a plan that never pushes through and plan to not plan and utterly fail. Im even scared of the fact that im scared.

"Sir Joey, now i'm even scared of answering your question. How am i even going to look you straight in the eye and make you believe im ready when im actually not? The future is vague and playful and it can change drastically with even the smallest of actions. No one is ever going to be ready...i bet."

I am not in a ranting mode. It just makes me wonder how some people look at the future in a shallow perspective. Probably they are never aware of the fact that whatever they do now will have a bearing on their future...on their life after they have exhausted their youth and resources that are sadly...non-renewable. Am i saying this because im the only one who's paranoid? That i am not a brave soul? Or maybe because i am so unsure of what i am doing with my life now that i don't see my future in such. I'm such a hypocrite to have to say no.

"Sir tell me. What do you do when your calling rivals with your priorities? A lot of things are hell easier said than done regarding this matter. But is this bound to happen? Why do i feel so lost not doing what i love, yet feel so unsecured not focusing on what i should prioritize?"

Of course, im not a brave soul to have spoken these last two quandaries of mine. I just gave him a cunning smile, then. One that conveys "yes i am getting your point but i still am unsure so please give me time." I have been silenced but my heart was bursting with all these questions i so long to answer. Probably because i felt like i might show weakness, something people of this new and mundane world have considered a stain rather than a compliment of your being. Perhaps i was. Or perhaps I have been scared.

LASARE2 was indeed fruitful and it was fun learning new songs...especially those with actions! Wee! Not only did we get to eat for free, did i get three brownies for lunch but i got to eat a yummy ensaymanda on my way home! But more than that it made me grow in ways only my heart could now.

Thank God LASARE2 does not require a reflection paper! Whew!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So chai, are you still scared of the future?"

"Sir, di na! :D"

"I like that answer. Very good! :)"
Category: 3 comments

An Over Due College Post

Posted by charonimous
Yes. I am now in my sophomore year of an academic life that makes you want to stop and think if you made the right decisions. Back when I was still an immensely immature high school senior, what i feared the most was not the big step from high school life to college life, but rather, the regrets i might face realizing that i am in the wrong college building, or better yet..in the wrong place all together.

During high school, I experienced being a stressed student leader, harassed journalist, terrible-time-managing-above-average-student, a loquacious parliamentarian, a wannabe dancer and a lot more trades a jack like me wanted to put myself into. I loved English, the written subject and the talking part to be more particular, liked math and science but did not particularly yield any interest in technology and computers. The only thing I knew about technology back then was that the latest ones are much more expensive than all the other older stuff.

Talking about future careers, I would always visualize myself standing in front of the camera, projecting, and in a stern and authoritative voice would i deliver the most up to date news for the country. Betteryet! I imagined myself in Iraq trying to risk my life for a full coverage of the on going war. Yes, i was an aspiring journalist during the best days of my naive childhood.

But along with maturity comes wisdom that dulls life.

Adding days to my life equated to thinking more about the practicality of the life you'd hone yourself into. Dangers, injustice and basically incompatibility issues haunted me and my desire to be a journalist.

Hence, me and computer programming.

Being in this course was not actually a last recourse sort of decision...but the decision of an apprehensive and challenge-inviting being like me. I opted to try something new. Besides, it was already etched in my mind that there is much luck needed to become a journalist or even a writer.. and innate luck was something i lacked. There was this instance when i was about to finish an expert level minesweeper game and there were only two squares left and one of them was to be the bomb and as luck would have it i clicked the bomb! Well so much for that.

Computer Science indeed is miles away from journalism. And so am i from being a journalist. However, loving and liking, contrary to how sensation would've dictated, is something that can be learned. We humans are led to believe in what they call bias and bias is actually something we nourish. We dont gain bias because it is the natural course of life, but rather, it is the natural course of life to gain bias on something we prefer. Point is, CS is not hard to love and like. But it's not that easy either.

Now i wonder why i still felt the need to write a post concerning the decisions i made overtime. Maybe because i really want to give justice to comsci. Right.

Or is it because i want to convince myself that i made the right decision after all?

Category: 3 comments